How You May Be Self Sabotaging Your Chances Of Love Without Even Realizing It

It isn’t that you aren’t worth it or that you aren’t going to find it, but the law of attraction might work a little differently than you think.

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What we put out into the universe, we oftentimes find returns to us at a later date, only in its own form. The same can be said about the dating world and not that this implies that the traumatic events of your past relationships were warranted, but if you have begun to notice a pattern in many of your relationships, there may be a reason as to why.

‘Closure’ isn’t a figment of the imagination, but it is necessary in many cases in order to move past a relationship. A lot of us; however, have a relationship or two that never really got much of that. These are the loose ends that bind together with the glue of your own thought that are later characterized as the insecurities in your next relationship. The reasons for a breakup vary greatly so as you can imagine, the spectrum of forms that these insecurities begin to fill, vary as well.

Take cheating for instance. If your last partner broke your trust and ultimately made your relationship impossible to work, then the potential for residual impact is raging. You will need some form of closure in this scenario, which oftentimes comes in the form of whatever answer is given in response to the question, ‘Why?’ It isn’t that the answer will necessarily make you feel any better, but it’s the unasked question that later turns into a ‘what if’ that keeps you up all night and ultimately, you know you deserve better than that.

For this example; however, let’s say you were never given the opportunity to ask the question and get the clarity and closure you desperately needed. This leaves your subconscious mind with only one option — to draw its own conclusion — and one that is likely false, at that. You allow this self-made explanation to torment your thoughts and repaint the picture you have in your mind of yourself. Let’s say you find a picture of the girl she cheated on you with (or the guy) and you notice on their social media profiles that they drive a nicer car than you and dress in a way that you would consider to be ‘better than’ you. This becomes the root of insecurity in your mind because for you, all it would have taken was a higher paying job and better clothes in order to maintain the relationship.

Let’s say this happens three times in a row.

Now all of a sudden, you are steadfast in the belief that the way you perform, the clothes you wear, the makeup you put on, the words you say, and ultimately who you are is the real problem in the relationship. Because of this, your goal is to assess the situation and gauge the next potential match for the risk of infidelity before a genuine conversation has taken place.

Here’s an example of an (expedited) conversation with a new person of interest:

Person of Interest: “Hey, how’s it going? I really liked your profile and would like to get to know you. What do you think?”

You: “Hey, I’m awesome! I hope you are! I’d be up for some conversation over dinner sometime.”

Person of Interest: “Great! How about I pick you up around 7 at your place?”

You: “That works for me! But before all of this takes place, I do have to ask you a question: Have you ever cheated in a relationship before?”

Person of Interest: “………”

This may not seem like a flawed approach to you, but think of it from the other person’s point of view and imagine if their answer would have been yes. Not only would they be coming from a place of ignorance to the reason for the question, but they are also being immediately placed on the defense for something that could have happened once 15 years ago in high school.

Another way we are oftentimes attracting non-compatible partners is by our first impressions online. Because we live in a world where many of us rely on the internet for communication, dating websites and apps have just become another name in the game. As someone who has had their fair share of time on dating apps, I can say that I cringed every time I saw a Twitter bio that read ‘Not looking for a hookup.’ Why? Because not only does this let others know that this has been an unexpected occurrence in the past, but that it was a frequent enough issue for your entire bio to be dedicated to its scarlet letter.

The only way we can be sure that we are entering into a relationship with an open mind and providing the other person an equal opportunity is by putting the contents of our baggage in the past where they belong. This is to be said about any way you meet your next potential match and whether it be online, at the bar, the book store, through friends, at work, or somewhere completely unrelated, the amount of the past that you let bleed into the present will have a tremendous impact on the direction it goes from there. We have to enter into any potential new relationship with an open mind and a clear understanding that our past does not dictate our future and the same goes for previous significant others foreshadowing the morale of our next.

If I were to carry with me the insecurities that stem from my previous relationships, I would be contributing to the ripple effect that is projection and reducing the chances of success in the new relationship. Rather than using your online profile to broadcast what went wrong in previous experiences, use it as the platform to stating exactly what it is that you demand go right in your next relationship. Rather than ‘Not here for hookups,’ how about putting, ‘Hoping to find a personality that pairs well with mine and common goals for a future relationship.’ This touches on the importance of personality and the seriousness you are bringing to the table for what you would like to come of a potential meeting (aka a relationship).

As long as we are keeping in the forefront of our minds what it is we want and what it is we refuse to settle for, then we will begin to attract exactly those things. As Michael Losier said, “I attract to my life whatever I give my attention, energy and focus to, whether positive or negative.”

Written by

Writer. Poet. Philomath. Dog Mom. Traveler. Creator. Wanderer. Teacher. Empath. Author of “Unapologetically Human” - available on Amazon

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