The Imagery Of Heartbreak
“I sleep with memories,
They lie in my hollow bed,
In the space right next to me that you used to fill instead.
I talk to myself,
Because there were things left unsaid.
Every night, I drink wine.
I touch the lips to the bottle until the only thing left are the drops of, ‘Please give me a sign.’
Because there’s no other way to express destruction,
Than to drown yourself in your own emotion.
I dream of kissing as many people as I can
Until the ink-stamped imprints of your lips are replaced with another man’s.
I go to museums to remind myself that other things that history too.
And I spend the rest of my time counting sheep and replacing them with the days it’s been since I last saw you.
I play hide and seek with my REM cycle because sometimes I don’t know what is worse:
The pain from the heartbreak or the reality I wake up to, realizing I’m still stuck in the same curse.
I’m not okay, but I remind myself that I was before I fell for the touch of your hand caressing my cheek.
Before I knew better than to fall for the words you would speak.
The same hand that pushed my fragile body away
And used every chance you could to beat it with words of anger and pain.
I think of all of the times you saw my tear-stained pillowcase and let me be.
When the oceans of devastation filled my eyes so I could hardly see.
I think of the moments all I wanted was for someone to be there to catch me when I fell for you
And to remind me when I broke that even angels sometimes fall too.
I am reminded of the ‘forget me not’ kisses you gave to me every morning
And how you took my last breath when we shared our final kiss without warning.
You pulled my emotions so hard, hoping the blood would flow to my head,
Causing my heart to do all of the thinking instead.
With every night my tears left me with nothing but bloodshot eyes,
You saw it as a chance to hurt me one more time.
I lose my breath when I see or hear your name,
But all the while knowing you don’t feel the same.
Maybe my heartbreak is not due to losing you,
But rather myself,
It is the regret I feel knowing I put you on the counter and me on the shelf.
I miss everything about your method of love,
Despite the toxicity,
I gave you every form of love I could, but you gave me rejection in ways of simplicity.
And all the nights I told you I felt for you ritually,
This is what your love has done to me exclusively.
No other man has hurt me this way and has been capable of ruining me.
I forgive you,
For tearing me down,
Then leaving me helplessly lying on the ground.
I forgive you,
Nor for your sake, but for mine,
Because I cannot let this sadness or anger waste any more of my time.
You did that.
You found a way in
And you mangled my soul, then named devotion a sin.
Not our end, but my freedom.
The lesson I’m learning to no longer need him.
I’ve accepted the journey that now lies ahead.
The good and the bad days,
And the lessened worry of things never said.
I know this healing will not happen overnight,
But crying to clear my eyes has been the foundation of gaining back my sight.
I staple my eyelids to my forehead so at least I can lie to myself while I’m awake.
I think of all I would give and all you would take.
You still manage to steal away my sleep,
And find a way to sneak back into my dreams.
I don’t hate you,
But my love for you is fading away,
And it’s replaced with love for myself every new day.” ~M.E