Mosaic: a picture or pattern produced by arranging together small colored pieces of hard material, such as stone, tile, or glass. Essentially, it is a cultivation of what was once broken and has now been recreated into something beautiful — a new form of art if you will.
So how does this apply to us as people?
I won’t ask you to recollect a painful moment in your life, but I am sure if I made this request, you would have at least one event come to mind that changed the course of your life indefinitely. In other words, these are the things that tried (and may have been successful in) breaking you, but what you have done with those pieces, is the masterpiece you are now and will eventually become the legacy you leave behind and this will be the only intangible thing you leave behind. We have this way of wanting to instantly gratify a less than ideal situation and oftentimes end up looking in the darkest of places for answers.
Some go to the liquor store or a bar. Some go to a dealer. Some go to what they know most. Some go to museums, to remind themselves that other things have history too. I went to the bathroom drawer where my sister and I kept our razor blades. You see when we look at ourselves in the mirror today, we like to explain our imperfections in relationships, in work, in school, in life on the things that have happened to us, rather than being as close to perfect as we can be despite those things.
For two years I tried covering up that part of my history — the part I couldn’t escape from because of the proof worn on my ankles, my wrists, my stomach, and my thighs. I tried to erase what I viewed as moments of weaknesses, rather than looking at the absence of fresh wounds and seeing proof of my strength.
I will never deny the decade I spent self-mutilating behind closed doors, but I will proudly stand and say I was bigger than what my demons tried to tell me I was and this is something I want you to learn too. Broken does not mean you cannot be beautiful, but it is up to you to find the “glue” you need to recreate yourself, renovate yourself, and come back with a vengeance to destroy the things that will try to revert you back into pieces.
I use a lot of my personal life as examples and I will continue to do so because I want you all to know you are not alone. If you have thought it, imagined it, been through it, or are trying to navigate your way out of it, chances are someone else is too. Seek solace in not only yourself, but in those around you.
When I was in the process of overcoming my addiction to cutting, all I kept telling myself was, “If I could just meet someone, find someone, come across someone who could be a light in my life. Someone who could support me, love me, and care for me in such an unlovable form, I would be okay.” I waited…and waited…and waited and that person never came. It was in that moment where I felt most helpless and explored the option of ending it for myself, but not for everyone else. I say not for every one else, because I
was one of the few lucky ones who was fortunate enough to be blessed with failure — a failure I will forever be grateful for. I was able to see the impact, the fear of loss, the brokenness of the people around me when they thought I wasn’t going to be there the next day.
Now that is not to say it was in that moment where things all of a sudden changed and I was rejuvenated with positivity, but it was a pivotal point in my life where I realized I couldn’t keep waiting for that “someone” or “something” to come into my life and make it beautiful again, I had to do that myself.
Something you will hear me say often is, ‘Be the kind of person you want to meet’ and I say it because when we spend our time, our energy, and our focus on being the epitome of what we would consider our “idol,” we inevitably become one for ourselves. Then, all of a sudden the people around you change, your perspective on life changes, your first thought in the morning and last thought at night, changes.
This will lead into the next section where I want you to become your own hero. I want you to become the person you needed in those moments of chaos and heartache. I want you to know how to begin doing this and how I have been every day since.